Long Post Warning!!
I`m not sure if it`s because I’ve had a few stressful interactions or my lack of quality sleep but a relationship of mine is causing me a lot of angst.
This person is the social organizer for one of the friend groups I enjoy. She’s quite lovely and I often enjoy hanging out with her as we share a lot of the same interests. When we first met she distinctly reminded me of someone I had kicked out of my life a few years ago. The person was often controlling in a seemingly nice way and would sugarcoat her condescending comments so that it was really my fault for being offended since she was just trying to help me.
Back to the present: this person, let`s call her Nancy, is very open about the fact that she can be very domineering towards other women. As I’m a go with the flow type until you hit a hard line I often wonder if she enjoys playing with me to see where my lines are. This occasionally leads me to be a bit on guard and prickly when we meet, which result in me feeling guilty for being prickly.
As I`m writing this I notice that she also tends to sugarcoat condescending comments, using the words,”I’m glad we’re the type of friends who can be honest with each other,”to soften the blow.
Reading this I feel like a moron, why would I continue a friendship with someone who makes me feel this way? Really it’s the niceness of having someone to do fun things with other than ML.I miss the days of high school and university where you saw your friends all the time and could just pop over if you wanted a movie date.
Now the title of the post is Guarding Against Envy which I haven’t even touched on yet.
Nancy’s family recently moved into a new home. When they had purchased it I was in a good place and was thrilled with me. So why the creeping envy now? It’s been the throw away comments, the ease at which they speak of re-decorating the entire house and the way she shops when we go out together. As Nancy grew up with very little( We weren’t poor we were po’ , we couldn’t afford the extra letters, she says), she sees herself as very cost conscious. This is true to a point. While she’s searching for a good deal she’s looking for a good deal on an expensive product. Recently she wanted us to go to dinner to a nice restaurant where the drinks were relatively cheap at a minimum of $10 per drink. She’s not wrong based on the restaurants that she frequents those are very well priced. However, for me they’re on the high end of the scale.
This financial piece adds an additional strain as we’re in reversed circumstances. While her family was struggling to make ends meet I was attending private schools and taking part in a host of extra-curricular activities. I was fortunate as my mum was able to work from home, managing the family business, so I had all the benefits of a stay-at-home mum while my dad worked outside the home. I suspect my parents felt very much like Grace at the CFO Mom Blog. Now she and her husband are on track to become millionaires even if they don’t curtail their lifestyle. She doesn’t work while ML and my combined incomes are still less than her husband’s.
As she makes it clear that she wants to host at her home it has left me feeling as though my home is wanting. Which is not true and really just a way in which I’m allowing another person’s desire to be needed impact my own life.
Right now, I’m going to maintain the friendship as I enjoy hanging out with the group but limit our one on one time.
Have you had similar relationships? Any advice on how to handle this like an adult?