I’m married

Last week I was at a conference. It was fun, informative and so busy I slept all of Saturday. This year I didn’t party with the group every night just the last. We went from our first party where I had 2 glasses of wine to a karaoke bar where we walked in and were immediately served shots, for a total of 6shots, a beer and 4 waters between 9 p.m. and 3 a.m.

Toward the end of the karaoke visit one of the men there told me he found me attractive. I laughed and said thank you. Then he got explicit. He wanted to have sex with me. This man who had been showing me pictures of his wife and kid the night before and damn well knew I was married was telling me this.

I smiled and returned with, “I don’t even know your wife’s name.”

“Yeah, yeah I’m married. The can’t believe I’m married and with a kid.”

“I know and I don’t know her name.”

He gave me her name and then shared what our sex life would be like if he were my husband.

“My husband feels the same way, I’m a lucky girl,” I assured him, ” I think my song might be on so I gotta go back in.”

As I left him I was immediately filled with doubt and shame.

Someone had told me my dress was sexy earlier, was it too sexy?

I was dancing earlier and I dance with spins and my hips, had I danced too suggestively?

I had been friendly with people, cajoling them into singing, getting them to dance. Had I been too friendly?

I had told myself I wasn’t going to drink a lot but I had, was I too drunk?

I was afraid if I told anyone they would immediately say I had led him on, that my unprofessional behavior had made him think I would cheat on ML. It was too late to call ML that night so the next morning I spilled all the happenings to him.

He is fantastic. He listened and helped me see that the only wrong I could have done was to take that man up on his offer.

I still wasn’t sure about telling any of my colleagues but then I saw an article about the cross examination of alleged rape victims. There’s something called the reasonable woman standard. I was livid, if ML were a different man I would not have shared with him because I would fear his reaction. I haven’t told any of my friends. Apparently a reasonable woman shares with her friends, by not sharing and giving in to my fears was I supporting his behavior?

So I shared with someone at breakfast that day. She was supportive and didn’t treat me like a hussy. ML has advised I should tell my boss as this man works with a company we hope to be using more frequently. I’m steeling myself to do this tomorrow morning. 

I’m not a victim and yet I’m questioning all my actions from that night. I can’t begin to imagine the pain and self doubt that those who are victimized do feel.

Right now I’m angry. I’m angry because I live in a society that tells me I made myself vulnerable by wearing something I felt good in, being happy and having a night with no self doubt. I’m angry that I fear that people will think less of me because a man found me attractive enough to use to end his loneliness. I’m bloody livid that man thought so little of what I have with ML that he offered me a fun night in exchange for a magical lifetime.

I wasn’t going to share this with you. It really doesn’t deal with the purpose of the blog and touches on some ugly pieces but I’m glad I did because I’m finding my silver lining:

I’m attractive

I’m fun loving and when I’m true to myself I glow.

What I have with ML is fantastic. I’m married to my true love and I met him at 18. He was my first boyfriend and after 13 years together he’s still the only one I want.

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13 thoughts on “I’m married

  1. When a person is willing to cheat on their spouse, it shows they are without SELF RESPECT. Your anger (which is certainly normal) is unnecessary (if you choose) because it is only worth feeling emotions about people meaningful in your life. Your VALUABLE emotions are not worth expending on a person without ethical or moral integrity.

    This type of encounter may occur again in the future under similar circumstances. Attractive people (men and women) are targets of alcohol or drug induced people with reduced inhibitions. It would be easier for you in the future knowing this to walk away from the situation as soon as it shows its “face.” Trying to engage in conversation (even if it is to identify your not interested) just stokes the fire in some cases.

    People like this are typically miserably unhappy people. NEVER use their poor judgement to introspect on your appearance or behavior. They just aren’t worth the effort.

    Be thankful for your relationship with your husband and make this the center of your focus. You will be much happier with the outcome.

    Hope these words help.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. aquietvoiceinaloudworld

    You did nothing wrong at all except to go out and have a good time with friends. And there is nothing wrong with that some men and women are just out to have what they consider a good time with no respect for their spouses. YOU had respect for your spouse and yourself and that is a wonderful thing. Plus you had no fear of telling your husband what happen which again shows you had no intention of ever letting anything happen. Once when my late husband was a conference he had dinner with people he had just met and was hit on. When he told the woman he was married she replied by asking him “how married are you”. He replied married enough to love his wife and walked away and went to his room and called me. He too was embarrassed and upset as if he had led someone on when all they had been doing as a group was having good conversations and dancing. Be proud of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you!it’s amazing that we feel so guilty when it’s not us who is being disrespectful.
      I’ve had friends who have cheated and others who have been cheated on and it always seems to come down to how married the cheater feels.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. aquietvoiceinaloudworld

        Believe me I understand. At the time my husband(he is now deceased and I miss him so much at this moment thinking about it) couldn’t couldn’t believe anyone could be that brass. He came up to the room and called to tell me about it because he didn’t know if he did something to let this person thing he would cheat on his family or if it was something else. I had always known he was a good man with good morals but this was amazing. As I said before you did nothing but have a good time which we are entitled to BUT some people seem to think that a business trip or meeting is prime time to act outside the norm. Obviously my husband was VERY married because he walked away..and you are VERY married also because the thought never crossed your mind and you called your husband.

        I recently had a conversation with a friend who was furious at the other woman but I could not understand how she was not furious at her husband. People are strange sometimes

        Liked by 1 person

  3. You are a good person. This guy overstepped and was out of line. I am so sorry that you are agonizing over your actions. You can bet that he is not. It’s too raw now, but at some point, realize that he has no power over you, and that beating yourself up only hurts you. I agree you should let your boss know this guy hit on you so you don’t have awkwardness going forward. Awkward seems loke to nice a word, but you know what I mean.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Let me just say this. You don’t need to go into any details with your boss. Now, this is just IMO – please take with grain of salt – you could say “So and so hit on me at the conference and I am letting you know this makes me very uncomfortable going forward, how can you help me, {if we do business} going forward.” Put your boss in a position to be a hero.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I wish I had read this earlier! It turns out she’s known this guy for a very long time and she really wasn’t sure what to say as she had never had heard of him doing this.

        I started with something happened that made me uncomfortable, NAME hit on me. She thought it was flirty vs obvious so I really had to explain what happened. I told her that I know that we’ll be working with this company but I respected her and myself too much not to let her know.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. You handled it well, it is a really creepy thing to have to say, and this guy just made your Monday a little more dreadful. I will hold good thoughts. Remember, you have nothing to be put on the defense about.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sorry you experienced that. I completely agree with your sentiments about how frustrating it is that our society makes us question ourselves. Over the years, I have unconsciously developed certain mannerisms and dialogue and intentionally distancing myself so that this doesn’t happen. It does suck. It means I can’t be myself. It means I can’t just have fun without worrying if it will look a certain way. It means I can’t just connect with someone without wondering whether they’ll consider me date potential but once knowing I’m committed, won’t want to simply be friends.

    You were very diplomatic in the way you dealt with him, and you were very brave and strong to raise this to your boss. Well done.

    Liked by 1 person

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